There’s just constant sadness. And I know that no one can ever understand how I really feel. I have zero motivation to do things. I just want to lay down and do nothing. I just want my head off the reality. I’m afraid that if I open up, it would just seem ungrateful. It’s the opposite actually, I am grateful for everything that I have. I just can’t collect myself and get back up. I just want to stop thinking about everything that has something to do with me. I just don’t want to get involved in anything else.
I’m afraid to open up to anyone else because I know that everyone is fed up with my ~simple~ problems. Even I am tired of hearing my own bullshit. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I should get on with my life. I am so lost. I feel like I’m always lost. I never found myself.
I just want to make peace with my head and myself. I am so hurt. I just want pain out.
It’s funny how 9 years ago, when I was just 18 yrs old, I made an anonymous blog and sent anonymous messages to random people whom I think needed some ~feel good~ messages by saying that they’re love or sumt like that
I literally searched for tumblrs of people with suicide and self-harm posts. I always thought that’s my purpose, you know? That because I’m so lucky and blessed with life, I ought to share the love to others. Well, I still do think that. But I can’t do it now because I’m now in the position of those I tried to message.
I’m lost and hopeless and just perpetually sad.
I just want to shut my own thoughts.
The 18y/o me would never ever thought that I’d be this depressed in life.
Hindi ko na alam, saan ko ba ilalagay tong sakit ng dibdib ko? Napapagod na ko sa sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko, hindi na ko mabuting tao. Wala akong paglagyan ng galit ko, so iniiyak ko na lang. Wala akong masabihan ng buo at walang filter. Pagod na din sila sakin, alam ko yun. Di ko na alam. Napapagod na ko mag isip. Napapagod na ko sa sarili ko. Hindi na ko masaya.
I’m in this constant state of sadness and I feel like there’s no escape. I wonder, how can other people feel normal and act normal?
I feel like I am ruined and there’s no cure. I destroy everything that I have and I have to live with the guilt and the consequences. It’s killing me inside. I don’t know what kind of help I should get. Am I just trying to justify my actions? I can feel how toxic I’m getting. I don’t even want myself anymore. There’s a pain in my chest that never left, and I don’t know what to do with it.
I’m so unhappy inside this black hole. And I have no energy of crawling back up. I just want to shut down every thoughts.
I don’t even know if it’s the thoughts I should kill or
